Today as I share my CPA story, I am in my fifties, twice divorced and living alone. My two grown children live a thousand miles away. I’ve been in Twelve-Step recovery for twenty-four years. My struggles with chronic pain and chronic illness began about ten years ago when I couldn’t understand why I was so tired all the time. A friend suggested that because of my history of drug abuse, I get tested for Hepatitis C, and I tested positive. I tried the conventional chemotherapy treatment, but I could not tolerate the side effects. I try to manage the illness with vitamins and diet, but the chronic fatigue is still a problem.

My chronic back pain, which worsens with age, seems to be caused by a combination of degenerative disc disease, arthritis, and a structural slippage in my lower back. I have pain when I stand, walk, or sit in certain positions for more than a few minutes at a time. Over the years, the amount of time I am able to be on my feet or be comfortable sitting has grown shorter, and the pain has become greater. When I became unable to work, I applied for disability benefits, which I now receive.

My ability to do things that I once did was steadily declining, year after year. I became more and more isolated from friends and family. I moved from my home to a warmer state to help care for my mother. I tried as best as I could to attend my Twelve-Step meetings, but I did not feel comfortable talking about living with pain and fatigue. I began to withdraw from the very fellowships that had saved my life. Because of my pain and illness, I did not feel connected to the people in the meetings like I had in the past.

The time finally came when I had to consider taking prescription medications. This was an agonizing decision for me, having been clean and sober for many years in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). When I was first ill, I had rejected the notion of taking anything stronger than over-the-counter pain medications. I thought it would be in conflict with my Twelve-Step programs. Being drug free had been my identity and salvation for many years. I heard others in AA and NA meetings say that they believed that anyone with a history of substance abuse could never take prescription pain medication safely. However, I had an AA sponsor who told me that if I really needed it to function, then it was not a relapse.

I was still very scared. Although I had heard stories from people who had relapsed from abusing pain medications, I also read that this does not have to be the case. There are provisions and safeguards in both the AA and NA literature about the need for some of us with pain and illnesses to take life-saving medications. I had to choose between being able to function and taking care of myself and my responsibilities or being basically bedridden.

After years of denial, disappointments, and watching my old life slip away, I was feeling quite suicidal. I had hit a new bottom. In the midst of the pain, anger, and depression, I said to myself in desperation, “There has to be a fellowship out there for people like me. There has to be a Chronic Pain Anonymous out there!” I searched on the Internet and, sure enough, I found it.

I read every page of the website and then phoned one of the people listed as a contact. I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I felt an immediate, strong connection. He was so much like me—he was living with chronic pain, had a Twelve-Step background, and was living in the same area where I grew up. Talking with him gave me a strong feeling of hope. I signed up for an online meeting, and I started reading the posts. I introduced myself online, and many people welcomed me. I learned about the telephone meetings and proceeded to call in for every meeting. I listened to what everyone had to share, got on the phone list, and started calling people. It was wonderful to make friends with people who had the same experiences as me. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I did not have to hide anything. I started working the CPA program the same way as I had done with my original Twelve-Step fellowship—I began with purchasing the recommended books and reading them daily.

One day, after hearing someone share at a phone meeting, I had a revelation that made me a free man. I felt liberated once I understood that I couldn’t move on with my life until I truly accepted where I was in that moment. The fear was that acceptance of my pain and illness would consume me, but I discovered just the opposite. I had to surrender to win, just like in my first Twelve-Step program.

Today I can state openly—I am a person living with chronic pain and illness. I don’t want to be, but it is a fact of my life. I accept this reality with all its challenges and disappointments, as well as the blessings and rewards.

One day at a time, I take my medications responsibly, and it helps control my pain and my sobriety remains intact. All is not perfect, since some of the side effects are challenging to me, and I sometimes still feel guilty about taking these medications. It is a huge comfort to have confidantes in the CPA program with whom I can speak honestly about my feelings and my medications.

Over time, I started taking on service positions—with much reluctance, but others believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Soon, another miracle happened—I was able to help others again. What a wonderful feeling! It seemed like it had been so long since I had felt like I had anything to give to others. There is a program saying I had learned years before, “you have to give it away to keep it,” which was easy to forget when I was so busy focusing on myself. I have learned that when I focus on the positive, the positive will grow, and if I focus on the negative, then the negative will grow.

The fellowship in CPA is an important part of my recovery. I know people all over the world with similar feelings and challenges and have a place where I can share and am understood. Well-meaning friends and family try, but they can’t really understand the experience of living with chronic pain and illness. Since there are no face-to-face CPA meetings in my city yet, I rely on the telephone meetings.

Today, I have something to look forward to in life. The service work I engage in has given me purpose once again. Instead of judgment, we have inclusion. The CPA Twelve-Step fellowship of love and understanding came along just in time to save me from myself.